My Journey to Seminary

TRG 501 : Theological Reflections

Foundations for Theological Thinking

Phillips Theological Seminary

Student Presentation

I suppose my journey to seminary began the moment I stepped through the doors of Fellowship Lutheran Church as their Children’s Minister.  I can’t say ministry was something that I had ever before felt called to do - it found me quite accidentally.  Yet, I believe my call to ministry was handed to me as a gift from God.

After being a stay-at-home mom for a little over a year, I felt the need to go back to work.  Although I wasn’t serious about finding a job, I would browse through the classified ads in the Tulsa World, occasionally sending out resumes to jobs I thought sounded interesting.  One day I stumbled upon an ad that read: “Work with children in a Christian environment.”  It was pretty basic and about as vague as you can get!  I thought that the job was probably something that I could do, and was probably qualified to do with my Family Relations & Child Development degree from Oklahoma State.  I had grown up in the Methodist church, attending church every week as a child.  I would say that I had a strong faith but hadn’t attended church regularly since I had gone to college.  Several weeks after applying for the job, I became the Children’s Minister at this ELCA Lutheran church.  I had no experience with the Lutheran faith and I didn’t even know Children’s Ministry was a “thing.”  However, my new church family welcomed me, and my family, with open arms and they graciously extended me the opportunity to learn and grow.  After almost twelve years, I am still ever thankful for the gift of my calling into Children’s Ministry.  Not only do I love my church, and the kids and families I serve, I love that my children have grown up in a place where they are loved and valued, too.  (I’ve always wondered in the back of my mind if God knew that I would be lousy at church attendance, so God made sure that I had to be in church every Sunday of my life.)

Even though I love my job, ministry isn’t always easy.  Sometimes, it can suck the life right out of you.  Sometimes, it’s easy to focus on the critics and all of the struggles that come along with working for a church.  Sometimes, when you are so passionate about your work, it becomes your life, and you forget about yourself - your true self.  Some people call this burnout.  I had heard of burnout over the years of attending conferences and talking to other, more experienced people in ministry, but I never quite stopped to really listen - until it happened to me.

My burnout (or breakdown) built very slow over several years.  When it finally caught up with me, it wreaked havoc on my life.  It’s hard to explain and I can’t really say why, but it took hold of me upon my return from co-leading a tour to Israel in the spring of 2012.  Depression and crushing anxiety came crashing down.  After years of feeling trapped and feeling like I was constantly drowning, I could no longer play the game of “fake it ‘til you make it.”  I had built a carefully constructed mask of who I was and who people expected me to be: perfect.  It had become my job to simultaneously be a good mother, good wife, good daughter, good sister, good granddaughter, good friend, good Children’s Minister - and most importantly, good Christian - all at the same time.  It was exhausting and I never felt that I was living up to anyone’s expectations.  When I came back from Israel - I cracked.  I separated from my husband.  I detached from friends.  I just barely stayed at the church, though Jesus and I were no longer on speaking terms.  It was my Independence Day.

My loving husband and children, wonderful friends and extraordinary pastor gave me time to work through it.  They gave me room to breathe and the chance to figure myself out.  I sought counseling that saved my life.  When I was most lost upon the sea, this stranger became my lifeboat.  My counselor helped me to look through my past to understand who I had become and helped me to realize that my past shaped me but did not define me.  I happened across a book at the library called “If Buddha Got Stuck” by Charlotte Kasl, which has become a sacred writing to me.  Full of spiritually sound guidance (that wasn’t Jesus-ey), the book helped to make my confusion seem a little clearer and helped me to connect with my true self.  All of these things worked together, God right in the middle of it all (though we still weren’t speaking), and I found healing.  I made amends with friends.  I reconnected with my husband and started working towards a much healthier, much happier marriage.  The mantras of my journey became:

• Honor your feelings.
• Live your truth.
• Follow peace.

I can’t say it was easy, but I walked right through the middle of some very dark and confusing times, and came out a much stronger person on the other side.  It was right in the middle of the darkness, however, that I decided: Either I was going to stop believing in Jesus all together or I needed to go learn more about Him.  I was tired of buying into a brand of Christianity that didn’t fit me.  I felt like a fraud teaching children about a Jesus I was unsure of.  I was so confused by all of the hate and judgement that Christians spew in this world.  How could we believe in the same God?  How could we follow the same Jesus?  I came to a tipping point of either walking away from the Church all together or digging in deeper.  I chose to dig in deeper - and started speaking to Jesus again.

Although I didn’t begin seminary right away, (I still had some work to do on me), this experience is what ultimately pushed me to decide that seminary was something I wanted to pursue.  The voices around me now ask me what I’m going to do with a Master’s degree in theology.  My recovering perfectionist wants to have a perfect plan in place - all laid out nice and neat - for what my future holds.  Yet, truthfully, I don’t really know what I’m going to “do” with another degree.  I’m working on being at peace with the not knowing.  Because my first call from God came in the form of a gift, I’m not sure how I will recognize a new calling.  How will I know when and what I’m called to do next?  I trust the answer to become clear.

If I’ve learned anything throughout the highs and lows of my journey it is this: “…God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose,” (Romans 8:28, NIV).  It is in these words that I trust and where I find rest.  God is faithful.  God has proven it over and over to me and I know God will continue to be faithful as I continue to walk forward, learning and growing and becoming more and more of the person God created me to be.