Pastor graciously admitted one of his shortcomings yesterday during his sermon. I guess today is my day to join him in confession.
I've struggled with a lifelong battle against...prayer. There - I said it. I don't have anything against prayer - I know how important it is in our faith - but I've never been able to quite see eye to eye with prayer. Not with God necessarily, just with prayer.
Last night I joined a group of people in a Contemplative Listening class with Sister Ellie Finlay. I carry guilt around about this "prayer battle" and thought I would go see if she could give me some insights. Being a nun - a figure she knows a thing or two about prayer. Pretty early on she asked us: "What is it that brought you here?"
I didn't disclose my battle last night but I think I was able to put it into words in my head. I think I struggle with prayer for two main reasons. First - God knows everything I would ever say anyway. He knows. He's told me before - "I got your back" - so I know He has my back without me even having to ask Him to have it. Anything I'd ever say, He's already heard going around in my head. Second - I'm tired of thinking about and talking about all the stuff constantly going around in my head. Sometimes I'm guilty of not sharing things with my family because I'm just so tired of talking about it! And if God already knows anyway, then I really don't want to talk about it. I know prayer is also about the relationship building stuff but so often I just fall away out of exhaustion.
I share this because maybe you can relate. Some people have flowery, beautiful prayers, but I don't. Some people can easily get up in front of a group a confidently pray. I can't. Sister Ellie confirmed what I knew - it doesn't matter.
We sat in silence for 2 minutes. I'm not a fan of silence...it creeps me out. Well, there was soft music playing so it wasn't completely silent. Anyway, we were just to listen. We didn't have to say anything and if our mind wandered we were to acknowledge the thought and push it aside. She likened it to sitting beside some you love and not having to say anything, just enjoy their presence. So I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. Every time I thought of something that I should tell God, it is almost as if I heard Him whisper, "I know." Over and over, I heard, "I know." So I stopped thinking and just practiced being.
How refreshing to sit with God and not feel like I had to say anything. Sister Ellie said that you just have to "Show up." It's not as if prayer is coming into the presence of God because we are always in the presence of God. He surrounds our every move and every breath. But Sister Ellie said that sometimes prayer is just bringing God to our "recollect." - intentionally bringing Him to the forefront of our mind.
We also talked about starting our day with prayer. That's sounds lovely but it's not something I do. In the convent, Sister Ellie was taught to start each day with reciting Psalm 63 as a morning prayer (at 5:30 am). She did suggest a couple of prompts to help bring God to recollect first thing in the morning. I thought that as long as I'm taking this 6 week class, I could try it out. So I wrote Psalm 63:1 on a post-it and stuck it to my alarm clock. "Oh God, You are my God, eagerly I seek You." Reciting the whole Psalm is a recipe for failure - so I decided to just stick with one verse. That's easy enough to remember. "Pray as you can, not as you can't." Maybe it's enough to bring God to recollect for now.
She taught us many other things - gave us other hints on how to live has Paul encouraged: "Pray without ceasing." I think I'll stick with these two things for now. I'm going to try to just show up at least once a day - and not feel like I have to say anything. And I'll start my mornings bringing God to recollect through Psalm 63:1. Perhaps what I purpose to do for 6 weeks, will bring my battle to an end.
I hope to share more of what I discover along the way. Maybe you can give that two minutes of listening a try, too. After all, He just wants you to show up.
